Welcome, caffeinated comrades, to the most electrifying month of the year: National Caffeine Awareness Month! We know you’ve had your calendars marked in anticipation of this cherished time. Look no further than the Mountaineer to kick off your festivities. To celebrate this hallowed month, we’re diving headfirst into the world of caffeinated beverages, ready to rank and review the most iconic nectar of productivity and insomnia—from least to most concerning. So grab your favorite mug, ignore your irregular heartbeat, and prepare for a whirlwind tour of caffeinated delight!
8. Any Starbucks Frappuccino
Aren’t you just a little bundle of joy? If this is your choice of caffeine, you might be either a 10-year-old on your way to Sephora after your gymnastics lesson or a grown adult who has to add various forms of sweetener to your coffee to even remotely enjoy it. Either way, frappes are delicious, caffeinated, and potentially less damaging to the cardiovascular system than the rest of the drinks on this list. Catch us with our Starbucks Frappuccinos on our way to wreak mild havoc at your local target.
7. Diet Coke
A classic choice! Never mind this drink’s striking resemblance to liquid metal in flavor. While Diet Coke may not be a potent source for your daily caffeine fix, it can get the job done when your cardiologist finally cuts you off everything else. Crack open a can, take a sip, and relish its metallic embrace!
6. Red Bull
The writers of this article opted not to say anything about Red Bull so Ms. Seibert would like to share her personal thoughts…. this drink tastes like melted smarties and is awful. It is also the life force of our band teacher, Mr. Price.
5. Prime Energy
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The only thing that concerns us about the Prime Energy drink is that we’re not entirely sure if it’s real or just a caffeine-induced hallucination. Is it a pyramid scheme? A figment of our imagination? An elaborate cover-up for Mr. Ziccardi’s covert operations from the homestead (have you ever seen him and Logan Paul in the same room)? Who knows! All we know is that one sip of Prime Energy, and suddenly, you’re contemplating the mysteries of the universe while simultaneously considering signing up for their ambassador program. (Having conserved a shred of self-respect between the two of us, neither of us has tried this drink.)
4. Monster Energy
Though a controversial choice, Monster Energy gets the job done quickly. Two sips of Monster, and you’ll be moving at the speed of light. With an abundance of concerning flavors to choose from, like Ultra Zero, Ultra Rosa, and Ultra Gold—none of which seem to match their namesake hues—this enjoyable energy drink may attract strange looks as you crack it open in your first block. Nonetheless, you can count on Monster Energy for its fast-acting caffeine, so electric it could power the Mountain Lakes School District.
3. Celsius
Drinking Celsius is a double-edged sword. Let us split a Sparkling Kiwi Guava. We will effortlessly complete the Familia Sagrada, dismantle and reconstruct the global economy, and triumph in every ML Assassins round before lunchtime. Check up on us an hour later, and you might stumble upon a scene reminiscent of Picasso’s Guernica. Picture two individuals reduced to mere shells of their former selves, inconsolable relics of a caffeine-fueled civilization. If you happen upon our post-Celsius wreckage, please send help and melatonin.
2. Panera Charged Lemonade
Mother Bread provides for her people once more. As a loyal ex-Panera employee (I wouldn’t wish a single closing shift upon my worst enemy), these infamous lemonades were once a highlight after hours of macaroni-and-cheese burns and endless You-Pick-Two orders. But beware—as with several others on this list, this beverage has amassed an actual death toll. Caffeine overdose is no laughing matter, and it’s essential to be conscious of every drink’s caffeine content and impact on your well-being. Anyway, if you don’t have any existing health concerns, might I recommend the Mango Yuzu Citrus?
1. Dunkin Coffee at 7 AM EST
Dunkin has rightfully earned its title of “Most Concerning Form of Caffeine” for a plethora of reasons. This creek-water adjacent coffee, though beloved by the citizens of Mountain Lakes due to its proximity, can have you bouncing off walls, running marathons, winning the Olympics one minute, and sending you straight to the nearest bathroom the next. Both of us can confirm that Dunkin Coffee has gotten us through day-long tournaments, AP Research deadlines, and insane test days, but not without a hefty cost. As alarming as Dunkin coffee is, it’s effective and sometimes tasty, so all we can say is: Proceed with caution.
“We don’t believe in warning shots. …You can quote me in the Mountaineer.” – Mr. Ziccardi, Dunkin’ Donuts CEO, perchance
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